Please help by sharing this with people who don't realize that abuse is a cycle. When we can change how we think about the problem, we will finally be able to solve it.
The day you realize you're being abusive to someone you love is hard.
Know that I've been where you are. For me it wasn't a single moment of realization, more like a slow dawning of horrified awareness. I'm proud of you for being brave and accepting the truth about how you're being. Because you're doing that, I can offer you hope. It's possible to stop being emotionally abusive. It takes work, that's for sure. Work worth doing.
As you explore what's happening, you may find there isn't a lot of obvious help to be had, so here's some. It would be really good if you can work with a therapist. You may want to leave your relationship, or give it space, at least for awhile, if that's what's needed to keep things safe. There's a lot of reading you can do to understand why you're behaving this way. These things are all helpful.
But what I really want to share is something very practical. Obviously you want to change your behaviour completely, and you can. Start now with a tiny action that you can own every day. I think of this action as 'telling on myself' or 'outing myself.'
How does this look? Here are some examples:
When you've said or done something abusive, acknowledge it out loud to the person you've hurt.
"I'm sorry I said that. It wasn't a good thing to say." "I wish I hadn't said that like that." "That was the old me saying that. Can I have a do over? The new me wants to say something different."
When you feel angry or emotionally unsafe to be around, say so out loud to the people around you.
"So, I just need to say. I am in a really bad mood right now." "I'm not feeling great. It's probably better to postpone this. Let's do it later." "Can you leave me alone, I need some space. I'm really upset.
Confess you have an issue with being emotionally abusive to someone you feel safe with.
"I need to share something with you. I've realized I have been being emotionally abusive to (insert name.) I feel completely awful and I really want to change. I'm sharing with you because I want you to know the truth and I hope you can support me in changing my behaviour."
Obviously, it would be better if you could stop behaving abusively altogether, and not need to tell on yourself! This is sad, but it's not likely you're going to be able to be emotionally safe right away. So while you heal, and learn to change your behaviour at the source, tell the truth. 'Outing yourself' is a good place to start.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's one of the toughest things I ever did: stop being abusive. As hard as it was though, here is my promise to you: it's worth it. And I'm rooting for you.